I can't believe I'm writing these words again. Miscarriage. Another baby gone.
My heart is breaking. With the first one, although it was awful, I told myself that this happened to several people I know, and they all went on to have perfectly healthy babies on the next go around. When it happens again, what do you do? Today I got told not only that I had lost yet another baby, but that I was going to be referred to a reproductive specialist. If you want to feel like a failure in life, have to go to a specialist for the one thing your body is made to do: bear children.
We've waited for so long to start trying for kids because of all the other horrible crap that went on in the first few years of our marriage, I thought for sure that when I got pregnant on the first try, this was God's way of bringing things back around. And then when I lost it, I thought, "I expected to get pregnant. I expected this blessing. I won't make that mistake again." And when I got pregnant the very first time again, I thought, "God is healing my heart! This is it!" I honestly don't know what to think at this point.
These are probably on the list of things ministers aren't supposed to say, but here goes: I'm angry. I don't understand. I'm hurt. I'm asking God why, because I don't get it. I don't understand what's wrong with me that I can't keep a baby in there. 16 year olds around the world do it, and they don't even want children.
In the Lutheran church, this Sunday is considered to be Life Sunday. Thankfully, my coworkers have gotten me a sub so I won't have to suffer through that, but I have to admit, that day fuels my anger. How in the world can people choose to give up this blessing of life, when so many of us are struggling just to make it happen. To keep it. To get to the point of holding that baby. I'm angry.
In the midst of my anger, there are a few things I'm thankful for. Coworkers that got my a sub, volunteers that spread the word so I wouldn't be bombarded with well-wishers for a pregnancy that isn't, the couple from church that brought us dinner and cheesecake and a big thing of Dr. Pepper and let me be angry and cry, for a husband that I know has my back and loves me.
But honestly? I'm not ready to be thankful. I'm ready to cry and scream and spend hours in my bed devouring cheesecake. With the last loss, I took one day of grieving, and then hoisted myself up and sang a concert series with a 4 hours dress rehearsal. I was so weak from the blood loss I had to sit on a stool to do the concert. I did two church services and came home and cried. I poured myself into work. And two months later, I was still grieving.
I'm going to try things a little different this time, and I ask for your patience. I'm not doing anything this weekend. I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow because it looks like ass, and go to one meeting where my friends will be at, and then I'm going to wallow at home. And I'm not going to go to church on Sunday, but I'm going to stay in bed. And I'll try and go back to work on Tuesday, but if I'm not feeling ready yet, I'm not going to go. I may not shower for a few days. I try to be organized and all together, but you know what? I'm not all together right now.
If you want specifics to pray for, pray for healing, pray for my body to quickly realize it isn't pregnant to get rid of this stuff inside, pray for Kyle and I as we struggle through yet another major loss in our lives and figure out where to go from here.
5 comments:
Oh Gibsy... my heart breaks for you and Kyle... Even though I knew what this post was about, it made me cry. There are no words that I can say to make you feel better. I can't imagine what you are going through... Take time to be angry... take time to grieve and heal. Love you girlie!
I love Crystals last statement, "take time to heal"! Just because others don't understand your grief (or didn't understand it the first time), doesn't make it any less painful. I know you have tons of people to support you and let you grieve the way you need. I'll pray for a healthy grief process as well. You have been in my thoughts and prayers continually since seeing your FB post yesterday. I can only imagine how heavy yours and Kyle's hearts are now. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! (((hugs)))
Praying for healing and strength. Also praying for you to give yourself time to grieve.
This post is perfect because it is where you are.
Even people in ministry will question where God is sometimes.
Praying that you continue to be sheltered and cared for during this time.
There's nothing ungodly with being honest. In fact, it's when God can meet us---when we are all spent, empty, alone, wounded---that's when we know we really need Him. Scott and I love you and Kyle very much and are thinking and praying for you. You just be however you need to be for as long as you need to. Oh, and on a lighter note, we can't take a shower at my house today because our hot water heater isn't working, so I may be slumming with ya..... ;)
Read Psalms 13. Love you.
You have a right to be angry and even yell at God a little, but remember He loves you and wants what's best for you in the big picture, even though you can't see it right now. Take time to scream, cry, throw something, but not at Kyle. Let out all the frustration and anger. Then be still and know that He is God and He will lead you through this dark time. "If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it!" Let me know if there is anything you need or that I can do for you, meanwhile I'll keep praying for you both. Love you!
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