What Makes a Mother

Someone shared this poem today - I was in tears.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mummy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

Miscarriage: The Physical Part

Warning:  This post is very graphic, and has a lot of details most people aren't going to want.  I'm writing this with one purpose:  when I was deciding how to end this horrible nightmare, reading other people's experiences helped me make my decision.  My hope is that this will help someone else.

A week ago today began the worst week of my life.  For the second time, although this was worse.  At this point, it felt like I was a failure, but that's a post for a whole other time.  The main decision I had to make at this point was how to reset my body back to zero.

With the first miscarriage, I chose to go the natural route.  It was a good choice for me, as my body had already started bleeding, and I wanted to go about things as naturally as possible.  I didn't want to undergo surgery, nor did my doctor feel it was necessary.  The whole process took 3 agonizing weeks.  I was so weak that I sang two major concerts on a stool because I didn't have the strength to stand for that long. 

With this one, I was prepared for the two choices that would most likely get laid in front of me:  D&C (surgery) or natural miscarriage.  I again preferred to do it naturally, but I was also ready for this nightmare to end.  I did some research, and discovered a third option:  Cytotec. 

When I spoke with my doctor on Tuesday, I asked about this option.  She said this was 85% effective, and that she thought it would work well for me, but needed to make sure I would understand exactly what was going to happen.  This medicine would put my body into labor, and I would bleed significantly and be in a horrible amount of pain.  I was to do it when someone was home with me, and if I bled heavily for over two hours, I would need to go the ER immediately.  I was told of the signs of infection to watch for, and when I agreed to all of these things, I left with a prescription for the medicine and strong pain pills.

Kyle met me at home, and we got the process started.  I laid on the couch for the next two hours as the contractions got closer and closer together and the pain intensified.  When it got so intense I couldn't stand it, I staggered to the bathroom.  I sat there for the next hour and a half as I passed everything from my pregnancy.  The pain was horrible.  Kyle brought me pain pills as I needed them, and sweet Bryson dog laid by my feet the entire time.  After an hour and a half, things began to slow down.  I felt like I could move back to the couch and rest.  The contractions slowed down and became more manageable. 

I took more hydrocone before I finally went to sleep that night.  The bleeding had slowed, and I was able to sleep with the help of the medicine.  The worst was over, about 5 hours after taking the medicine. 

My ultrasound this morning showed a clear uterus - the medicine had worked!  I had never been so happy to have a clear uterus in my life.  Although the pain was horrible, I was pleased to have it over and done with within a few hours.  I wanted to do it naturally, and this allowed me to do that by just giving me a little push in the right direction. 

I pray that this will be a help to someone trying to decide on their next steps.  Every person is different, and everyone needs to deal with this in their own way.  The most important step - don't let others influence your decision.  People will have their opinions, but it's none of their business.  Do what's best for you, and be as happy with it as you can be.