What Makes a Mother
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Miscarriage: The Physical Part
Warning: This post is very graphic, and has a lot of details most people aren't going to want. I'm writing this with one purpose: when I was deciding how to end this horrible nightmare, reading other people's experiences helped me make my decision. My hope is that this will help someone else.
A week ago today began the worst week of my life. For the second time, although this was worse. At this point, it felt like I was a failure, but that's a post for a whole other time. The main decision I had to make at this point was how to reset my body back to zero.
With the first miscarriage, I chose to go the natural route. It was a good choice for me, as my body had already started bleeding, and I wanted to go about things as naturally as possible. I didn't want to undergo surgery, nor did my doctor feel it was necessary. The whole process took 3 agonizing weeks. I was so weak that I sang two major concerts on a stool because I didn't have the strength to stand for that long.
With this one, I was prepared for the two choices that would most likely get laid in front of me: D&C (surgery) or natural miscarriage. I again preferred to do it naturally, but I was also ready for this nightmare to end. I did some research, and discovered a third option: Cytotec.
When I spoke with my doctor on Tuesday, I asked about this option. She said this was 85% effective, and that she thought it would work well for me, but needed to make sure I would understand exactly what was going to happen. This medicine would put my body into labor, and I would bleed significantly and be in a horrible amount of pain. I was to do it when someone was home with me, and if I bled heavily for over two hours, I would need to go the ER immediately. I was told of the signs of infection to watch for, and when I agreed to all of these things, I left with a prescription for the medicine and strong pain pills.
Kyle met me at home, and we got the process started. I laid on the couch for the next two hours as the contractions got closer and closer together and the pain intensified. When it got so intense I couldn't stand it, I staggered to the bathroom. I sat there for the next hour and a half as I passed everything from my pregnancy. The pain was horrible. Kyle brought me pain pills as I needed them, and sweet Bryson dog laid by my feet the entire time. After an hour and a half, things began to slow down. I felt like I could move back to the couch and rest. The contractions slowed down and became more manageable.
I took more hydrocone before I finally went to sleep that night. The bleeding had slowed, and I was able to sleep with the help of the medicine. The worst was over, about 5 hours after taking the medicine.
My ultrasound this morning showed a clear uterus - the medicine had worked! I had never been so happy to have a clear uterus in my life. Although the pain was horrible, I was pleased to have it over and done with within a few hours. I wanted to do it naturally, and this allowed me to do that by just giving me a little push in the right direction.
I pray that this will be a help to someone trying to decide on their next steps. Every person is different, and everyone needs to deal with this in their own way. The most important step - don't let others influence your decision. People will have their opinions, but it's none of their business. Do what's best for you, and be as happy with it as you can be.
A week ago today began the worst week of my life. For the second time, although this was worse. At this point, it felt like I was a failure, but that's a post for a whole other time. The main decision I had to make at this point was how to reset my body back to zero.
With the first miscarriage, I chose to go the natural route. It was a good choice for me, as my body had already started bleeding, and I wanted to go about things as naturally as possible. I didn't want to undergo surgery, nor did my doctor feel it was necessary. The whole process took 3 agonizing weeks. I was so weak that I sang two major concerts on a stool because I didn't have the strength to stand for that long.
With this one, I was prepared for the two choices that would most likely get laid in front of me: D&C (surgery) or natural miscarriage. I again preferred to do it naturally, but I was also ready for this nightmare to end. I did some research, and discovered a third option: Cytotec.
When I spoke with my doctor on Tuesday, I asked about this option. She said this was 85% effective, and that she thought it would work well for me, but needed to make sure I would understand exactly what was going to happen. This medicine would put my body into labor, and I would bleed significantly and be in a horrible amount of pain. I was to do it when someone was home with me, and if I bled heavily for over two hours, I would need to go the ER immediately. I was told of the signs of infection to watch for, and when I agreed to all of these things, I left with a prescription for the medicine and strong pain pills.
Kyle met me at home, and we got the process started. I laid on the couch for the next two hours as the contractions got closer and closer together and the pain intensified. When it got so intense I couldn't stand it, I staggered to the bathroom. I sat there for the next hour and a half as I passed everything from my pregnancy. The pain was horrible. Kyle brought me pain pills as I needed them, and sweet Bryson dog laid by my feet the entire time. After an hour and a half, things began to slow down. I felt like I could move back to the couch and rest. The contractions slowed down and became more manageable.
I took more hydrocone before I finally went to sleep that night. The bleeding had slowed, and I was able to sleep with the help of the medicine. The worst was over, about 5 hours after taking the medicine.
My ultrasound this morning showed a clear uterus - the medicine had worked! I had never been so happy to have a clear uterus in my life. Although the pain was horrible, I was pleased to have it over and done with within a few hours. I wanted to do it naturally, and this allowed me to do that by just giving me a little push in the right direction.
I pray that this will be a help to someone trying to decide on their next steps. Every person is different, and everyone needs to deal with this in their own way. The most important step - don't let others influence your decision. People will have their opinions, but it's none of their business. Do what's best for you, and be as happy with it as you can be.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
What NOT to Say to Someone Who has Miscarried
1. This is God's will. I know He has a plan for you.
- Right now, I don't care. And most that believe in God, already know this. It doesn't help. Right now the hurt is so strong it's hard to imagine anything beyond this moment.
2. Miscarriages are really common. It just happens sometimes.
- It may be common, but not in my everyday life. And someone else hurting this bad doesn't help. It makes me feel bad for the others that are hurting, too.
3. At least you know you can get pregnant!
- Yes, and for me right now pregnancy doesn't end in baby, so who cares if I can get pregnant. I'm not interested in this logic making it better.
4. You'll have another baby.
- I wanted this baby. Having another one doesn't end the hurt from this one.
5. At least it was early on.
- This was my baby from the second I knew about it. I've made plans for it, picked out a crib, and fallen in love with the changes already showing in my body. I don't care when it was, I still loved this baby already.
6. You should be over it by now.
- Yes. Someone actually said this to me. When did you get over the death of your parent? Anybody important to you that died? It's not instant. It's not going to happen in a week. I'm going to be sad for a while.
7. The next one will work. It did with me!
- Not always. As this is my second one, sometimes they don't work.
I know people mean well when trying to find something to say to someone who has miscarried. In my experience, only those who have experienced it can find somewhat of the right words to say, but there are still no words.
Best thing to do? Be quiet. Say you're sorry, and then shut up. You aren't going to make them feel better by anything you say. Hug them, let them cry, and pray for God to heal these wounds.
- Right now, I don't care. And most that believe in God, already know this. It doesn't help. Right now the hurt is so strong it's hard to imagine anything beyond this moment.
2. Miscarriages are really common. It just happens sometimes.
- It may be common, but not in my everyday life. And someone else hurting this bad doesn't help. It makes me feel bad for the others that are hurting, too.
3. At least you know you can get pregnant!
- Yes, and for me right now pregnancy doesn't end in baby, so who cares if I can get pregnant. I'm not interested in this logic making it better.
4. You'll have another baby.
- I wanted this baby. Having another one doesn't end the hurt from this one.
5. At least it was early on.
- This was my baby from the second I knew about it. I've made plans for it, picked out a crib, and fallen in love with the changes already showing in my body. I don't care when it was, I still loved this baby already.
6. You should be over it by now.
- Yes. Someone actually said this to me. When did you get over the death of your parent? Anybody important to you that died? It's not instant. It's not going to happen in a week. I'm going to be sad for a while.
7. The next one will work. It did with me!
- Not always. As this is my second one, sometimes they don't work.
I know people mean well when trying to find something to say to someone who has miscarried. In my experience, only those who have experienced it can find somewhat of the right words to say, but there are still no words.
Best thing to do? Be quiet. Say you're sorry, and then shut up. You aren't going to make them feel better by anything you say. Hug them, let them cry, and pray for God to heal these wounds.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The 8 weeks post that isn't.
I can't believe I'm writing these words again. Miscarriage. Another baby gone.
My heart is breaking. With the first one, although it was awful, I told myself that this happened to several people I know, and they all went on to have perfectly healthy babies on the next go around. When it happens again, what do you do? Today I got told not only that I had lost yet another baby, but that I was going to be referred to a reproductive specialist. If you want to feel like a failure in life, have to go to a specialist for the one thing your body is made to do: bear children.
We've waited for so long to start trying for kids because of all the other horrible crap that went on in the first few years of our marriage, I thought for sure that when I got pregnant on the first try, this was God's way of bringing things back around. And then when I lost it, I thought, "I expected to get pregnant. I expected this blessing. I won't make that mistake again." And when I got pregnant the very first time again, I thought, "God is healing my heart! This is it!" I honestly don't know what to think at this point.
These are probably on the list of things ministers aren't supposed to say, but here goes: I'm angry. I don't understand. I'm hurt. I'm asking God why, because I don't get it. I don't understand what's wrong with me that I can't keep a baby in there. 16 year olds around the world do it, and they don't even want children.
In the Lutheran church, this Sunday is considered to be Life Sunday. Thankfully, my coworkers have gotten me a sub so I won't have to suffer through that, but I have to admit, that day fuels my anger. How in the world can people choose to give up this blessing of life, when so many of us are struggling just to make it happen. To keep it. To get to the point of holding that baby. I'm angry.
In the midst of my anger, there are a few things I'm thankful for. Coworkers that got my a sub, volunteers that spread the word so I wouldn't be bombarded with well-wishers for a pregnancy that isn't, the couple from church that brought us dinner and cheesecake and a big thing of Dr. Pepper and let me be angry and cry, for a husband that I know has my back and loves me.
But honestly? I'm not ready to be thankful. I'm ready to cry and scream and spend hours in my bed devouring cheesecake. With the last loss, I took one day of grieving, and then hoisted myself up and sang a concert series with a 4 hours dress rehearsal. I was so weak from the blood loss I had to sit on a stool to do the concert. I did two church services and came home and cried. I poured myself into work. And two months later, I was still grieving.
I'm going to try things a little different this time, and I ask for your patience. I'm not doing anything this weekend. I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow because it looks like ass, and go to one meeting where my friends will be at, and then I'm going to wallow at home. And I'm not going to go to church on Sunday, but I'm going to stay in bed. And I'll try and go back to work on Tuesday, but if I'm not feeling ready yet, I'm not going to go. I may not shower for a few days. I try to be organized and all together, but you know what? I'm not all together right now.
If you want specifics to pray for, pray for healing, pray for my body to quickly realize it isn't pregnant to get rid of this stuff inside, pray for Kyle and I as we struggle through yet another major loss in our lives and figure out where to go from here.
My heart is breaking. With the first one, although it was awful, I told myself that this happened to several people I know, and they all went on to have perfectly healthy babies on the next go around. When it happens again, what do you do? Today I got told not only that I had lost yet another baby, but that I was going to be referred to a reproductive specialist. If you want to feel like a failure in life, have to go to a specialist for the one thing your body is made to do: bear children.
We've waited for so long to start trying for kids because of all the other horrible crap that went on in the first few years of our marriage, I thought for sure that when I got pregnant on the first try, this was God's way of bringing things back around. And then when I lost it, I thought, "I expected to get pregnant. I expected this blessing. I won't make that mistake again." And when I got pregnant the very first time again, I thought, "God is healing my heart! This is it!" I honestly don't know what to think at this point.
These are probably on the list of things ministers aren't supposed to say, but here goes: I'm angry. I don't understand. I'm hurt. I'm asking God why, because I don't get it. I don't understand what's wrong with me that I can't keep a baby in there. 16 year olds around the world do it, and they don't even want children.
In the Lutheran church, this Sunday is considered to be Life Sunday. Thankfully, my coworkers have gotten me a sub so I won't have to suffer through that, but I have to admit, that day fuels my anger. How in the world can people choose to give up this blessing of life, when so many of us are struggling just to make it happen. To keep it. To get to the point of holding that baby. I'm angry.
In the midst of my anger, there are a few things I'm thankful for. Coworkers that got my a sub, volunteers that spread the word so I wouldn't be bombarded with well-wishers for a pregnancy that isn't, the couple from church that brought us dinner and cheesecake and a big thing of Dr. Pepper and let me be angry and cry, for a husband that I know has my back and loves me.
But honestly? I'm not ready to be thankful. I'm ready to cry and scream and spend hours in my bed devouring cheesecake. With the last loss, I took one day of grieving, and then hoisted myself up and sang a concert series with a 4 hours dress rehearsal. I was so weak from the blood loss I had to sit on a stool to do the concert. I did two church services and came home and cried. I poured myself into work. And two months later, I was still grieving.
I'm going to try things a little different this time, and I ask for your patience. I'm not doing anything this weekend. I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow because it looks like ass, and go to one meeting where my friends will be at, and then I'm going to wallow at home. And I'm not going to go to church on Sunday, but I'm going to stay in bed. And I'll try and go back to work on Tuesday, but if I'm not feeling ready yet, I'm not going to go. I may not shower for a few days. I try to be organized and all together, but you know what? I'm not all together right now.
If you want specifics to pray for, pray for healing, pray for my body to quickly realize it isn't pregnant to get rid of this stuff inside, pray for Kyle and I as we struggle through yet another major loss in our lives and figure out where to go from here.
Friday, January 13, 2012
7 weeks
Quote from Kyle:
"With a baby and a dog, I just don't know how I'm ever going to leave the house. That's just too much cute in one house."
This week has been pretty non-eventful. A lot of this week has been spent with me asleep. I've been so tired that any chance I've gotten, I've gone to bed. If I could sleep 10-11 hours every night, I think I could make it all the way through the day. Nothing else has gotten done, but at least I'm well rested!
I'm dealing with worries and fears that I'm sure every pregnant woman has, especially one that has had a miscarriage before. I continue to pray for God to take my worries. This morning, I think I finally figured out what my worry stems from. I've finally hit the point this week that I couldn't relate to from my last pregnancy. Up to 6 weeks, I could go "Ok, I know this is good because this is different from my last one." I didn't make it this far with the last one, so I have no clue how my body reacts to week 7 of pregnancy. I wake up not sick and worry if that's bad, instead of just being thankful I'm not sick. I keep reminding myself: Most pregnancies end with babies, and that's evident by the children I work with every week. And just because I lost the last one, doesn't mean I'll lose this one. It's definitely a frightening experience over all, but I just have to trust that it's going to be ok, and take it one day at a time.
On a positive note, I'm really ready to start on the nursery! I need to talk to the landlord and see if I can paint, but I'd like to paint the room a light grey, either girl or boy, and I've got some bedding picked out for a girl (cause you know, it's gonna be a girl). I've picked out a crib, and I'll use the antique dresser that's in there already and put a changing pad on top. I'm waiting until we see a heart beat to start on the room, but I'm definitely anxious to begin!
This week's cravings:
Sunny D
Iced Tea
Strawberries
Mexican Food
Dumb Pregnant Moment:
I went to get my nightly glass of water. (seriously, do this EVERY NIGHT.) I got ice and a straw. No water.
"With a baby and a dog, I just don't know how I'm ever going to leave the house. That's just too much cute in one house."
This week has been pretty non-eventful. A lot of this week has been spent with me asleep. I've been so tired that any chance I've gotten, I've gone to bed. If I could sleep 10-11 hours every night, I think I could make it all the way through the day. Nothing else has gotten done, but at least I'm well rested!
I'm dealing with worries and fears that I'm sure every pregnant woman has, especially one that has had a miscarriage before. I continue to pray for God to take my worries. This morning, I think I finally figured out what my worry stems from. I've finally hit the point this week that I couldn't relate to from my last pregnancy. Up to 6 weeks, I could go "Ok, I know this is good because this is different from my last one." I didn't make it this far with the last one, so I have no clue how my body reacts to week 7 of pregnancy. I wake up not sick and worry if that's bad, instead of just being thankful I'm not sick. I keep reminding myself: Most pregnancies end with babies, and that's evident by the children I work with every week. And just because I lost the last one, doesn't mean I'll lose this one. It's definitely a frightening experience over all, but I just have to trust that it's going to be ok, and take it one day at a time.
On a positive note, I'm really ready to start on the nursery! I need to talk to the landlord and see if I can paint, but I'd like to paint the room a light grey, either girl or boy, and I've got some bedding picked out for a girl (cause you know, it's gonna be a girl). I've picked out a crib, and I'll use the antique dresser that's in there already and put a changing pad on top. I'm waiting until we see a heart beat to start on the room, but I'm definitely anxious to begin!
This week's cravings:
Sunny D
Iced Tea
Strawberries
Mexican Food
Dumb Pregnant Moment:
I went to get my nightly glass of water. (seriously, do this EVERY NIGHT.) I got ice and a straw. No water.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
6 Weeks
Ok, when did I get stupid?
I can't remember ANYTHING to save my life. I pretty much leave one ingredient off of everything I cook, and have to go back to the store. Before we had confirmed I was pregnant, if I did something pregnancy related, Kyle would say "Miiiiiiiind Baaaaaaaby!" to mock me. Now, he's changed to "Baaaaaaby Miiiiiiind!" So if you have to remind me of something 5 times, forgive me. My baby has taken over all of my brain cells.
New Years was this week. It was a pretty lame evening. I'm not a massive drinker by any means, but I love my wine and I freakin love champagne. The sparkling apple cider was good, but just not quite the same. I got a sip of Kyle's champagne at midnight, and then went back to the fake crap.
I had a second ultrasound this week, and this one was much better than the first! The baby popped up on the screen right away this time! I'm measuring a little behind, but that's ok. Baby is just taking it's sweet time growing. With a great ultrasound, we decided to make it facebook official that we are having a baby, as well as calling all of the parents.
Fun week over all! I'm still figuring out how to work without falling asleep on my desk.
I can't remember ANYTHING to save my life. I pretty much leave one ingredient off of everything I cook, and have to go back to the store. Before we had confirmed I was pregnant, if I did something pregnancy related, Kyle would say "Miiiiiiiind Baaaaaaaby!" to mock me. Now, he's changed to "Baaaaaaby Miiiiiiind!" So if you have to remind me of something 5 times, forgive me. My baby has taken over all of my brain cells.
New Years was this week. It was a pretty lame evening. I'm not a massive drinker by any means, but I love my wine and I freakin love champagne. The sparkling apple cider was good, but just not quite the same. I got a sip of Kyle's champagne at midnight, and then went back to the fake crap.
I had a second ultrasound this week, and this one was much better than the first! The baby popped up on the screen right away this time! I'm measuring a little behind, but that's ok. Baby is just taking it's sweet time growing. With a great ultrasound, we decided to make it facebook official that we are having a baby, as well as calling all of the parents.
Fun week over all! I'm still figuring out how to work without falling asleep on my desk.
Monday, January 9, 2012
5 weeks
This week had a little bit of a scare. I had my first appointment for a sono, even though it was ridiculously early. I've had lots of extra appointments this time because of my miscarriage in October. The sono showed that I had a good thick uterine lining, but we couldn't see a baby. That ordered more blood work, and 24 hours of me being totally freaked out. My numbers were almost tripling, and they have to at least double, so we were in the clear!
This week was pretty easy - I was off work, so I slept like a crazy person, hung out with Jenica who was also off work, went to a Baylor basketball game at the AAC, watched Baylor win a bowl game, and had some good general laziness. Perfect for a pregnant lady!
I was pretty exhausted this week, and STARVING. This week's cravings? Mexican food and gummy bears.
And anything else I can get my hands on. :)
This week was pretty easy - I was off work, so I slept like a crazy person, hung out with Jenica who was also off work, went to a Baylor basketball game at the AAC, watched Baylor win a bowl game, and had some good general laziness. Perfect for a pregnant lady!
I was pretty exhausted this week, and STARVING. This week's cravings? Mexican food and gummy bears.
And anything else I can get my hands on. :)
Saturday, January 7, 2012
4 weeks
I wrote this a few weeks ago as a review - enjoy, and I'll be posting more weeks as I go!
By the time I hit 4 weeks pregnant, I already knew for 5 days I was knocked up! I started week 4 with a trip to the obgyn to check my levels. My progesterone, which was low when I miscarried, looked great, and my hcg levels were at 146! It has to be at 25 to show up on a home pregnancy test, and most people can't find out until the after they've missed their period that they're pregnant, but my numbers were there and kickin' it.
This week was filled with Christmas, so it was hard to rest as much as I really wanted to. It might've resulted in some emotional meltdowns on my part. (Sorry Kyle.) For the most part, I've felt pretty good except for some serious stomach issues and being exhausted. I also at the end of this week needed to buy maternity jeans. Good gracious. I was so bloated that my pants would NOT button. The bloat will go away, but will be replaced by baby, so I went ahead and just bit the bullet and bought them.
Most. Comfortable. Pants. I've. Ever. Owned.
Seriously. Why do we wear anything else? They also look great! Not mom jeans at all!
The funnies of this week:
1. When we went shopping for maternity jeans, Kyle and I realized we both had left our wedding rings at home. I felt slightly trashy.
2. I might have karate chopped the waiter who tried to take my plate away before I was done.
Kyle quotes of the week:
1. Hey, our neighbor is super skinny and she's had 4 kids...you should find out her secret. (FAIL.)
2. (on seeing my belly bloat one evening) Holy crap! Are you carrying that in a pouch like a marsupial?!
Cravings:
Mexican and fried shrimp
By the time I hit 4 weeks pregnant, I already knew for 5 days I was knocked up! I started week 4 with a trip to the obgyn to check my levels. My progesterone, which was low when I miscarried, looked great, and my hcg levels were at 146! It has to be at 25 to show up on a home pregnancy test, and most people can't find out until the after they've missed their period that they're pregnant, but my numbers were there and kickin' it.
This week was filled with Christmas, so it was hard to rest as much as I really wanted to. It might've resulted in some emotional meltdowns on my part. (Sorry Kyle.) For the most part, I've felt pretty good except for some serious stomach issues and being exhausted. I also at the end of this week needed to buy maternity jeans. Good gracious. I was so bloated that my pants would NOT button. The bloat will go away, but will be replaced by baby, so I went ahead and just bit the bullet and bought them.
Most. Comfortable. Pants. I've. Ever. Owned.
Seriously. Why do we wear anything else? They also look great! Not mom jeans at all!
The funnies of this week:
1. When we went shopping for maternity jeans, Kyle and I realized we both had left our wedding rings at home. I felt slightly trashy.
2. I might have karate chopped the waiter who tried to take my plate away before I was done.
Kyle quotes of the week:
1. Hey, our neighbor is super skinny and she's had 4 kids...you should find out her secret. (FAIL.)
2. (on seeing my belly bloat one evening) Holy crap! Are you carrying that in a pouch like a marsupial?!
Cravings:
Mexican and fried shrimp
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