But I have a good reason. Actually, I have several. And I'm going to try to get back into writing on here, because it's kinda therapeutic. I'm also not sure if anyone really reads this, but that's ok. I'll write for me.
So why haven't I written since September? Life took two very sharp turns that have rattled me down to my inner core, and honestly, I'm struggling to figure out what life is supposed to look like now. We've kept most of this to ourselves, but I've noticed over the past few weeks, the more people I share this with, the less of a hold it has on my heart.
September 30th was a normal morning - I took a walk, came home and jumped in the shower. Got out of the shower, and noticed there were 2 lines on the pregnancy test I'd used prior to jumping in. What?! Excuse me?! I was absolutely overjoyed, as was Kyle, and the next couple of weeks were a blast, dreaming of our future baby and telling our parents.
October 20th was not a normal day. After bleeding for a week, we found out we lost the baby. It wasn't anything we could have done or not done, it was just that for some reason it wasn't going to turn into a healthy baby, and it just didn't live.
The month since then has been horrible. I'm really struggling with the loss of my child, and the last month has been filled with doctor visits and blood work and sadness. Every day has been a struggle to try and act "normal," to go on with my life like it's always been...just the two of us here. Miscarriage is something nobody really talks about, and I know why, it's a personal deep sadness that takes over your whole being, but in my opinion, it needs to be talked about.
That's why I'm writing this blog. It's too deep a hurt to have to go alone, and those that have been the biggest help were those who also struggled through a miscarriage. I also write to ask for your prayers. It will be awhile before I'm "fine" again, whatever that now is. I don't want pity, I don't want to be the victim, I just want to heal. I want to not think about it everyday. Pray for my body to return back to it's normal state. Pray for Kyle and I to learn to deal with our grief. And mostly, pray that we will become parents again one day.
2 comments:
Oh, Michelle! My heart aches for you and Kyle, the loss of your baby. I pray for healing and for God to wrap you in his strong arms and offer comfort, strength and healing. Your grief is normal, and you are so right--miscarriage is not talked about and many suffer through their grief in silence. I admire you speaking up! Very brave! Hugs to you both!
Thanks for sharing Michelle! I know full well that God will bless you and Kyle with children. You both are too special to not pass along your seeds :) as you continue through your grieving process, I pray that God turns this into healing, and one day soon, a new blessing to be thankful for! Either way, I'm thankful to be your friend, and will support you during these storms. Lots of love my dear friend!
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